THE HOLISTIC MONSTER

Lifecoaching, it turned out, was the gateway drug to far, far more.  STonk, to her credit, studied long and hard after she quit her job, and within a few months was qualified as a life coach.  Once qualified, she took lots of advice on how to get her business up and running, and almost everybody agreed: niche is the key.  It's no good being a life coach, you actually have to be an "insert name of speciality here" coach.  A marketing coach, for instance.  Or a relationship coach.  Or an executive coach.

Or a health and nutrition coach.

It was only a matter of time really, until STonk's personal interest in all things healthy turned into a vocation.  She trained as a personal trainer, and a nutritionist, and then she found the CHEK Institute: CHEK standing for Corrective Exercise and High-Performance Kiniesiology.  And yes, I did have to look that up, since you ask.  It was founded by a bloke called Paul Chek and was complete catnip for her.

There are two sides to it - a scientific side, based on posture, and anatomy, and nutrition... and a not-so scientific side to it, based on crystals, and energy, and bollocks.  Okay, I'm exaggerating, but it is a HOLISTIC thing and that does mean there's a certain amount of spirituality involved.  WHICH MAKES ME CRINGE.

So, that's what she's doing, now.  She's a CHEK practitioner, having become at least partially qualified in both sides of the CHEK program.  And what I'm doing now is mostly hiding.

I jest.  Ha ha ha.  No, seriously, I'm not actually hiding as such but it would be fair to say that my wife becoming a CHEK practitioner (and all-round health nut) is having some impact on my life.  I mean a lot of it is quite similar to Paleo dietary movement, which maintains that the human body is only designed to digest what our cavemen forefathers could hunt and scavenge.  It means no grains, no pulses, lots of organic lean protein and organic vegetables, and absolutely under no circumstances any booze or processed foodstuffs, especially sugar.  No booze!  No processed foodstuffs!  Sweet Baby Jesus, what did cavemen do on a Friday night?

And it doesn't stop there.  Nope.  No, Sir.  We only cook with coconut oil or animal fat - PUFAs (polyunsaturated fats) are the enemy.  Dairy is largely to be avoided, but what little we have has to be raw and organic.  The kids' sweets are organic and natural, and they basically don't eat anything with gluten in it at all any more.  We have gelatin in absolutely everything - it's a very good anti-inflammatory, apparently - and there are so many jars of supplements and capsules floating around our kitchen it's a wonder that our neighbours haven't fingered us to the authorities for running a meth lab.

And you know what really, really annoys me about all of this?  I can see bloody good reasons for most of it, and I can feel the benefits, too.  I feel better on this stuff.  I work better.  I think better.  I rite good now also.  I'm losing weight.  The kids?  Never sick.  Full of beans and bumptiousness, and they sleep like babies.  Dammit, it's really good for me, and them, and for STonk, too.

But it's no fun.  Not even a tiny little bit.  So, I'll stick with it but this blog is going to be a much-needed outlet for me.  I'm going to write about the day-to-day ups and downs of being a fattypuff who lives with a thinnifer.  Hopefully that will keep me on the sunny side of the street even as I'm being dragged, kicking and screaming to a new and better body and mind.  If you find it interesting, or even better, if you know exactly what I'm talking about, leave a comment and perhaps we can prop each other up in the coming months and years.

I guess I'm planning to be around a long time, after all.